On Finding Oneself

There has been a lot of talk, seems like it anyway, of how it is wrong to "find yourself".  I have heard this applied to both men and women (general conference), although I hear it most often towards women (Relief Society).  The connotation is "motherhood is the highest calling so doing anything else or even searching for anything else is a sin." 

I think "finding yourself" needs to be defined because it isn't usually.  To me, there are two different kinds of finding yourself: selfish and unselfish.  The selfish kind of finding yourself puts you first to the detriment to all those around you.  My book club read a book (surprise!) recently about a woman that put her entire life on hold to "find herself".  She quit her job and traveled to different countries for an entire year.  Maybe it worked for her but to a person with a family and real responsibilities I think doing something like that is selfish and wrong.  Perhaps that is too extreme a case though.  But the problem I see is that the selfish and unselfish kinds of "finding yourself" are too often meshed together.

I do not believe that unselfishly finding yourself is a sin.  First let me define it.  To me, this means finding and cultivating your talents.  It means learning what makes you happy and doing it.  It means finding your individual mission on earth.  Of course, balance is the key.  We must be responsible to the duties we have. 

While I do agree that motherhood is one of the greatest things I can do, it is not the only thing that defines me!  Perhaps that is good enough for some women; I know women who do not want to do anything else.  That's fine.  But to those who feel that way (both men and women), don't tell me it is gospel to not want to aspire to anything else.  Because it's not.

Take the parable of the talents.  To one was given five talents, another two, and a third had only one.  He who had two and five talents used them for good and the Lord replied to each, "thou good and faithful servant" and then rewarded them doubly for their efforts.  He who had only one feared to use his and subsequently it was taken away.  He was considered a "wicked and slothful servant."  Of course the lesson of this parable is to cultivate the gifts and blessings we are given.  The first step to this is finding out what they are!!

Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-28 reads thusly (what a great word!):
For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.  Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.  And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

Words directly from the mouth of the Lord.  Yes, motherhood is one of these good causes.  But it is not the only one.  There are so many other good causes that bring joy and satisfaction to life. 

When my parents moved our family to California when I was ten, my mother went through a period of "finding herself".  All the kids were in school and she felt a need to better herself.  I remember she sold Mary Kay Cosmetics (What Mormon mom hasn't tried selling MLM products??  Those who haven't are few and far between!)  She went back to school and studied science (I'll never forget going to her school and looking at a decaying chicken!  She displayed the chicken skeleton for a long time in our home.  I thought it was cool that she put it back together!) and then textiles.  She became a substitute teacher and then taught textiles and pattern-making at a local junior college.  She finally decided to become a piano teacher.  But she didn't stop there.  She herself took lessons and classes and even entered competitions to better herself in her chosen field, that she finally found.  She is a fantastic teacher and I am proud of her for what she has accomplished in her life.

Elder Cook in this last October conference spoke about a woman who died on the Titanic.  She was in her 30's and had a young family.  She left her family to further her education at a six month nursing course in England.  Of course, she never made it back.  I find it interesting and significant that Elder Cook taught us about this woman.  She was anxiously engaged in a good cause that she hoped would help her family.

What is most important is that we don't judge.  It is just as wrong for me to judge someone for wanting to only be a mom as it is for someone else to judge me for wanting more.  You just don't know what someone else can handle at any particular time, whether it be minimal or extensive.  You also can't judge moms for working outside the home.  Some women need to work; not for money, but for sanity.

The Lord needs all kinds of people -- those who have skills acquired through staying at home and those who have skills that are taught in professions outside the home.  We are all important to Him and have a purpose here on earth.  I believe we are supposed to find that purpose and pursue it at the appropriate time, according to direction given through personal revelation, and with the proper balance, again according to direction given through personal revelation.