Trauma in the ER

All right.  This post took me a week to write.  I am warning you, it is long.  I've been debating weather or not to post everything that happened to me or not.  It's pretty graphic and even while it was happening to me I would say to myself things like: "ew, ew, this is so gross!!!"  Brad says my version is skewed because I was so out of it and perhaps that is true but I believe different perspectives make stories more interesting.  So if he feels so inclined to add his perspective to mine (which he probably won't) then he is more than welcome to do so!  He also said it would be better if I had let him take my picture while I was in the hospital.  I will kindly spare you that horror.  I think I'll go ahead and relate what happened without some of the gory description -- but I'm warning you now, I can get carried away with this (gory descriptions) so I'm not making any promises and you read at your own risk....

Knowing I was going to loose this baby, I decided I wanted to do it as naturally as possible and just let my body take care of it (insert hindsight smirk here).  I'd done it three times before so WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG???!!

A week ago Wednesday I started cramping really hard.  It felt like I was going into labor.  OK, this was it.  I bled a TON -- it gushed out!  And it hurt really bad.  Of course it all hit the fan just as the kids were getting home from school so they were worried about me.  I just kept to myself all evening and soon the pain and bleeding subsided.  I thought the worst was over; there was no way I couldn't have passed it.  I felt GREAT!!!  I was able to eat, walk around, help get the kids in bed.  Brad and I even watched a movie, staying up later than we normally would.  I was happy to have it done with and move on with things.  (Insert another hindsight smirk here.)

Thursday morning I woke up still feeling great.  Made a few phone calls, started doing the dishes.  Then the cramping started again.  This should have been a gigantic red flag but in my mind, I had passed the pregnancy so there was no logical reason for the cramping.  Inevitably the bleeding started and wouldn't stop!!  (graphic alert!) I couldn't even get off the toilet; it was like slowly urinating blood. 

Fortunately Brad was at home but he was in a meeting downstairs so I didn't call him up (should have) but I prayed really hard that he would come and he did!  He had to ask me a question and when I told him what was going on he quickly ended his meeting so that he could help me.  He called the doctor and they said that I hadn't passed the embryo, that my body was going through round two, that I was loosing too much blood, and to get to the emergency room immediately.  Brad called Ali's husband, Ryan, and he quickly came over to give me a blessing and then we were off to the hospital.

Along the way I kept thinking, "Man, I will be so pissed off if I get there and then stop bleeding.  This trip to the hospital had better be worth it!"

When we got there Brad sat me down in the waiting room and went to check me in.  He came back to me and I realized that I was bleeding all over my seat.  Fortunately, it was vinyl and I was wearing black pants.  Brad ran back to the counter to let them know the situation and then went to go park the truck since he was in the ER drop-off.  Meanwhile, I'm grossed out, leaning forward trying not to sit more in the blood saying "please hurry, please hurry".  It was not a great moment. 

The nurse came with the wheelchair and wheeled me back to be processed.  The attendant told me there were no beds and I would have to wait.  I thought, "Oh no!  This can't happen!"  Then the nurse that wheeled me back took me to the bathroom to help me change.  That was an ordeal.  There was blood everywhere and I was shaking and light-headed and seriously grossed out from what was coming out of me.  Once I got back in the wheel chair I could feel myself start to pass out.  It was like I finally felt safe to do so and I remember thinking, "I can go forward or backward.  I think I'll go backward." 

The next thing I remember I was lying on a bed, lights bright overhead and a snapping sound that I quickly realized was a nurse cutting off my bra.  My first thought was, "Oh crap!  Now I have to buy a new bra!!"  Then the rest of my clothes were cut off and I thought, "hmmm, I am totally naked with a whole group (about seven) of people working on me and I don't even care."  I was so weak that I simply could not move. The doctor worked on me for a while and nurses were in and out, poking me with all sorts of needles.  Not so fun.  The doctor came up to my face and told me in a loud voice that I had had a seizure (what?) and that I was experiencing a miscarriage (duh!).  He even asked Brad if I had a history of seizures.  No.  We think they initially thought I had a seizure but then ruled it out because it didn't get written on any documents that went to my other doctors.  Good.  I don't want that on my medical history.

Now, there's a lesson here.  If ever you are in the ER and they tell you they have no beds, just pass out.  If you can add a lot of blood somewhere on your body, all the better.  I promise you, you will get a bed STAT!!!  ha ha ha!  The nurse that had been helping me told Brad that I had scared the hell out of her!

Once I was triaged, I was moved to the operating area where I was prepped for surgery.  I don't even remember going to the surgery room.  Thank you anesthesia!  When I woke up, I could hardly breath.  I had eaten a PB&J sandwich before I went in and the doctor was worried I would throw up during surgery so I had to have a breathing tube down my throat.  My throat was swollen from the tube once it was removed and I was coughing and working really hard to get enough air.

I eventually made it to my hospital room where I stayed until the following afternoon.  I didn't sleep much because of all the comings and goings that happen in a hospital but I really liked all my nurses.  I was happy with the care I received throughout the entire experience.  Because I had lost so much blood, the doctor wanted to see if I would need a transfusion.  My hemoglobin level ended up being on the low end (normal is "12", low is "10" and transfusion-worthy is "8" -- I came in at an 8.9) but the doctor decided to not give me a transfusion because it is better for the body to do replenish the blood on its own.  I was fine with that but I am really feeling the effects of it now.  I was confined to my bed for three days and I still tire very easily.  I get super dizzy also, which is another effect of the blood loss.  I have to take extra iron and I have learned that it will take me at least a month to fully recover.  I'm not too happy about that but there is nothing I can do.  At this point I have completely recovered from the miscarriage; it is the blood loss that takes so long to get over.

However, I am grateful that this wasn't as bad as it could have been.  I am grateful that Brad was home that day and that we made it to the ER just in time -- yes, the trip was worth it!!  I am sooo glad I didn't pass out at home!!  I have realized that this could have been a life-threatening experience and I am grateful for modern medicine that saved my life.  I am so grateful for my neighbors and friends.  My neighbors jumped right in and took care of our kids -- our neighbor, Mandy Davis, even took our kids to their soccer practices and the park.  So awesome.  Our Relief Society had meals brought in to us for almost a week and my friends Ali, Christine, and Ciara have helped me do some cleaning around here.  My other friend, Sheri, even bought groceries for me!  Even though at times like these you want family around I am grateful for the support system I have.  There are so many wonderful people where I live and I am in their debt.  Hopefully,I will have the opportunity to return the favor and to even pay it forward.

I have received so many cards and well wishes from other people.  They have been so kind.  Honestly, I'm emotionally good with all that has happened.  Yes, it stinks and I wish it had worked out differently.  But it didn't.  So that makes my choices different.  I can either wallow in self pity and depression or I can move on and hope for the best.  I have never been one to be down for long so the choice was easy for me.  That, and I have this overwhelming feeling that it will all work out.  In fact, I was folding clothes one day (before the miscarriage) and had the impression that the Lord has a better way for this to work out.  That has been tremendously comforting and I cling to the hope of that promise.  What is most frustrating to me is that emotionally I want to move on but I am not able to physically.  I know that will come, eventually.  It's just another lesson in patience, right?!