To Laugh or Cry, That is the Question

Ali gave me a copy of this quote by Marjorie Pay Hinckley the other day.  She said it reminded her of me:

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry.  I prefer to laugh.  Crying gives me a headache."

Too true -- I have the same sentiments.  However, sometimes life throws you against a wall, repeatedly, and a good cry is necessary and even relieving.

What a difficult two weeks this has been!  The first was hard just because of so much going on: choir practice and performance in the Jesse James Parade, soccer practices and games, my parents coming into town, Logan's baptism, and doctor's appointments.  It's been crazy!  I'm glad my parents were able to come see Logan baptized!  It was great having them here.  They were also able to see my choir perform for the first time -- and the girls did great!! 

This week has been emotionally hard: hopeful yet wary and then all hopes dashed and frustrated with being sick on top of it all.  I tried to prepare myself for what might be but when the doctor told me what I had suspected, I was rocked to the core.  I have now had four miscarraiges (not in order) but never have I been so emotionally attached to this one.  I so wanted it, waited for it for five years.  I couldn't laugh through this trial, couldn't even stop the tears. 

I have felt like I've been deep in the midst of the refiner's fire for some time now.  I'm hoping I'm becoming what the Lord wants me to be but I can't be sure.  I keep thinking of Joseph Smith in the Liberty Jail pleading with the Lord for relief of his afflictions.  The Lord told him that it will all be for his benefit.  I have to have faith that somehow all of this will be to my benefit, even if it is just to gain experience and perspective. 

Then today I read this from my brother-in-law's sister's blog:

“I believe that a lack of patience is a major cause of the difficulties and unhappiness in the world today. Too often, we are impatient with ourselves, with our family members and friends, and even with the Lord. We seem to demand what we want right now, regardless of whether we have earned it, whether it would be good for us, or whether it is right.”
~Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

“Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best—better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God’s omniscience [knowledge].”
~Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Yeah, that put me in my place.  I do believe that one of the great lessons of life is learning patience.  But it is disappointing when you hope for and then are disappointed to find out that your timetable and the Lord's aren't matching up.

I've wanted to get busy again but have been stopped in my tracks by 1) the hormones still raging through my body that make me tired and 2) the cold I caught that has kept me in bed.  Nothing like being sick to make you dwell on an already unfortunate situation.  Ugh.  See?  I still need more patience!

I guess I'm done.  That's probably the most depressing post I've ever written.  It's also the most personal.  I pray for faith to endure, for understanding of what I need to learn, and to always feel the love of the Savior with me.  Like Dori in Finding Nemo, I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."  Someday I, too, will find my destination.